


Past, Present, and Future

by Jo (jmathieson)



Series: Tangents and Intersections ~ Kink Bingo 2013 [67]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Closeted, Community: kink_bingo, Established Relationship, Gangbang, Jossed, M/M, Military Homophobia, Recovery, Relationship Negotiation, Sexual Fantasy, Sharing History
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-26
Updated: 2013-09-26
Packaged: 2017-12-27 16:52:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/981308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jmathieson/pseuds/Jo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil's getting better, but Clint is still worried.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Past, Present, and Future

**Author's Note:**

> Kink Bingo Round Six (2013) ~ Gangbang

Clint was sitting on the roof of Stark Tower, one bright autumn afternoon, staring out at the city. There were construction cranes everywhere, and from where he sat he could see six different buildings in various stages of repair. He was coming to terms with the Battle and its aftermath, with how his life had changed in the past couple of months. He had a team now, instead of it just being him, Nat, and Phil. Nat was still around most of the time, and they still sparred together and traded insults over take-out meals of Thai or Lebanese food, but now they did it sitting in the big common room on the top floor of Stark Tower, rather than in Phil's office at SHIELD. 

Phil was still recovering, doing better every day, and Clint had pretty much stopped worrying that his heart would suddenly stop or explode or something like that. They were starting to adapt to the changes, and to settle into new routines. 

Clint's StarkPad chimed. He glanced down at it, and then picked it up when he saw it was a message from Phil. The message consisted of a medical report from Phil's cardiologist, most of which was still gobbledygook to Clint, though he'd learned what words like "pericarditis" and "arrhythmia" and "tachycardia" meant over the past month. There was a note from Phil attached at the end of the report:

"In English, this means I'm cleared to bottom."

Clint took a deep breath and let it out, very slowly. He was not panicking. He was absolutely not panicking. It was perfectly natural for him to feel somewhat... apprehensive about fucking his boyfriend for the first time after major heart surgery. He took another deep breath and hit the "reply" button on the message, then thought for a minute about what a certainly-not-panicking Clint would say.

He typed, "Hurry home," and hit send.

If Phil had actually been able to hurry home, it might not have been so bad, but as it turned out he had a meeting with Fury, and some SHIELD HR paperwork about his medical leave, and it ended up being three hours before he got back to the tower. Three hours that Clint spent worrying, imagining worst-case scenarios, trying to figure out how to tell Phil about his fears, and generally feeling like shit.

The pleased little smile of anticipation of Phil's face when he finally did get home didn't help either. Clint stamped down on his nerves as Phil took him by the hand and led him to the bedroom. He ignored his fears as they slowly undressed each other, kissing and licking and teasing. He pretended he was fine as Phil laid a trail of teasing little bites along Clint's collarbone. He tried to find words as they climbed onto the bed and stretched out together, and Phil reached for Clint's groin. 

"OK, what's wrong?" Phil asked when his hand closed around Clint's limp cock. His words were soft and gentle, and his eyes promised understanding, so Clint looked into them and confessed,

"I'm terrified of hurting you."

Phil nodded his understanding.

"Do you want to wait?"

"Wait until when? Until I'm not scared your heart's going to explode? That could take a while."

"We could wait until I can get it up again, and I can fuck you. Would you feel more comfortable that way, with me in control?"

"I don't know." Clint rolled onto his back and draped an arm over his eyes. He felt miserable, like he was letting Phil down. "I'm sorry, Phil. I know you want this."

Phil cuddled up close and rested his head on Clint's chest.

"I do want it. I love it when you fuck me, but I'm not going to ask you to do anything that you're not comfortable with."

"I know it's not logical. I know the doc wouldn't have told you it was OK if it wasn't safe, I just..."

"It's OK, Clint, I get it. I'm pretty sure I'd feel exactly the same way if our positions were reversed."

"You would?"

"Pretty sure I would, yes."

"Huh. That helps, actually."

"Good. What else can I tell you that might help?"

"Tell me... tell me... tell me what you like about bottoming. What you like about being fucked. By me, or just in general. Tell me how it feels and what it does for you."

Phil stiffened a tiny bit in Clint's arms, and Clint noticed.

"What's wrong, did I say something?"

"No, no... I... there's something... Something I've been meaning to tell you about for a while. It's nothing bad, I promise," Phil said quickly as Clint drew breath to speak. "It's well, a fantasy of mine, sort of, but it's more complicated than that and it has to do with why I like bottoming. I... I haven't told you about it before now because I wasn't sure how you'd react, but..." Phil trailed off.

"Phil, there's nothing you could tell me that would change the way I feel about you. You know that, right?"

"Yes. Of course. It's not that, it's just... well, it might be something you don't want to hear about me."

"I don't think that's possible."

"Well, just tell me to shut up if you get freaked or wierded out, OK?"

"Not going to happen, but OK." Clint kissed the top of Phil's head. 

"I need to start at the beginning. You know that growing up gay wasn't easy for me. One of the things that made it hard was not having any real information about anything. This was before the Internet, remember, so unless your public library had a copy of The Kinsey Report, you were pretty much stuck. I knew that I liked boys. That I wanted to touch them and kiss them, the way I was supposed to want girls, so I figured that meant I was gay. I knew from the dirty jokes that gay men had sex by putting their dicks in each other's assholes, but I couldn't figure out how that might work. I'd touched myself that way, and it felt pretty damn good, but I didn't know about lube, so I could never get more than the tip of my finger in without it hurting, and so I wasn't too keen on the having gay sex part of the equation."

"Anyway, fast forward to college, and a college library with a big section on human sexuality, and me hiding in the stacks early in the morning and late at night, reading everything I could."

Clint grinned and a little chuckle escaped.

"Hey, don't laugh at me for finding out about sex by reading books."

"I'm not. Really, Phil, I'm totally not. I'm laughing because I can just picture you, sneaking around the library like a badass ninja, stealth-reading books on sex and doing your research before engaging your target, just like you always do."

"Yes, OK. Anyway, I went out and bought a big tub of Vaseline and went to town, so to speak, and I started thinking that the whole dick-in-ass thing might not be such a bad idea. I still hadn't had a real boyfriend or much sexual experience by this point, but at least I felt I was ready to try it."

"I've told you before that I was in the ROTC in college. My college unit trained on Sundays, and the college chaplain was a veteran, so he led a prayer service every Sunday morning before we started training."

"I didn't think you were religious." Clint said.

"I'm not. I wasn't really then, either, but the whole ROTC unit went to the services. I wasn't going to rock the boat or draw attention to myself by not going, I needed my scholarship. Mostly it wasn't too bad, but one day the chaplain went on a tear about the evils of homosexuality. About how soldiers under times of stress could find themselves having sinful thoughts and about how we had to resist those thoughts to stay pure and decent and fight for justice and the American way. It was... pretty bad. Having to sit through that was hard." 

"Anyway, so you know how when you're a kid, and you steal a cookie out of the unopened package that you weren't supposed to touch, and then you realize that you're going to get caught, so you might as well eat the entire package of cookies if you're going to get punished anyway?"

Clint nodded.

"Well, I figured if I was going to hell anyway, then I may as well have the most sinful thoughts imaginable."

"I like your logic."

"It was childish, I guess, but it made me feel better, more in control of the situation at the time. That night in bed I started fantasizing about the dirtiest, raunchiest gay sex I could think of. Now remember, I didn't have a whole lot of experience at the time, so I didn't have a lot to go on. But I'd heard about gay bars, and so I fantasized about going to one, and getting picked up by some anonymous guy. Someone who didn't care about who I was, someone who just wanted to fuck me. I fantasized about getting fucked in the ass by a stranger. I'd imagine what it would feel like, to have a dick pounding my ass, sometimes I'd finger myself while I did. And the fantasy was satisfying. In some strange way it was comforting, it was me rebelling and saying, even if it was just in my own head, 'Fuck you, this is what I am.' It became sort of like a security blanket that I'd pull out when I'd had a bad day, or was particularly stressed about people finding out that I was gay."

"And then, over the years, after I'd, you know, actually had sex, the fantasy evolved. Because it still needed to be the dirtiest, raunchiest thing I could think of. I started to think about getting tied down. That's where my bondage fetish comes from, I guess. And then after I'd had a chance to actually try that, the fantasy changed again. There was still a gay bar, or club, that I'd imagine going to, looking to get picked up. But not just by one anonymous guy any more. I'd fantasize about going into the back room of the club, and getting tied down with my ass in the air, spread wide open, and being used. By anyone and everyone who was there. Sometimes I'd even imagine I was blindfolded, because it wasn't about the guys who were fucking me, it was about getting fucked, over and over again. Dick after dick in my ass, just pounding me until I couldn't take it any more, and then I had to take it, because I was tied down, and I couldn't say 'no.' And my ass would be sore and fucked wide open, and dripping with a dozen guys' cum."

"And I know this sounds sick, but my fantasy was still comforting. It was a place I could go in my head that no one else could ever touch, ever know about. It was just for me."

Phil was quiet for a minute, but Clint didn't know quite what to say, yet, so he didn't say anything. 

"I haven't thought about it in a long time. I haven't needed to. Once I left the Army and joined SHIELD, and I wasn't hiding who I was any more, I thought about it less and less. And now I have you. I don't need my old fantasies, I've got memories, and plans for the future instead. But you asked me what I liked about getting fucked, how bottoming makes me feel. Apart from how great it feels to have you inside me, getting fucked makes me feel good about who I am."

Clint kissed him. Touched him. Stroked Phil's arm where it was draped across his chest.

"Thank you. For sharing that with me." Clint stroked back up Phil's arm, then down his chest and belly towards his groin. Clint dipped his head and capture Phil's mouth in a kiss, soft and gentle at first and then hot and wet and deep. He ran his hand down Phil's back and grasped a firm buttock and kneaded it with strong fingers. He let his hand drift around to the front and gently fondled Phil's balls.

"I'm gonna go real slow, OK? Be really gentle. I know you like it hard and fast, but for now I need to go slow, OK?"

"Of course it's OK, Clint, but you don't have to..."

"Shh. I want to. I trust you not to let me hurt you. And I trust JARVIS to keep an eye on your health. So let me do this for you."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks always to my excellent editors t! and Shazrolane.
> 
> Find me on Tumblr at: [Queen of Wands](http://jmathieson-fic.tumblr.com/)


End file.
